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A Weekly Publication of National Grief Support Services, GriefSupportServices.org

Crying For Help….
Does crying benefit during grief?


An Interview with Russell Friedman of the Grief Recovery Institute

Many of you may have questions about crying. We've asked one of the experts at The Grief Recovery Institute to answer some of the most common questions asked about crying. We hope this information will give you a greater understanding of the role of crying in grief.
Karen Russell, MA, Executive Director
National Grief Support Services

How much crying is enough?
Have you ever known anyone who cries all the time, but never seems to change or grow? Have you ever known anyone who uses crying as a manipulation to get something? There is a high probability you will answer yes to both questions. Both of these questions are designed to explain that crying does not necessarily lead to completion of the pain caused by death, divorce or any other losses. It is often thought that there is a correlation between grief and crying. Many people express their pain and sadness through body language, tone and other factors. Not crying doesn't mean not grieving.
 
Does crying make us feel better?
At best, crying acts as a short term energy relieving action, and relieves, temporarily, some emotional energy generated by the loss. We know of people who have been crying over the same loss, daily, for years and years. We know that the crying has not helped them complete what is emotionally incomplete in their relationship with their loved one who died, or the person from whom they are divorced.
We are aware of the research that indicates tears of sadness differ in chemical makeup from tears of joy. We are also aware that tears perform the valuable function of washing the eyes. We have even heard professional allude to published studies that indicate that women cry, on average, five times more often than men. However, in all of our research, we have not found a single study that supports a physiological basis for that ratio.
 
Why don't men cry more in public?
As our society has evolved, we have seen a quantum shift in the public display of emotion. In today's world, it is not at all unlikely to see a retiring professional athlete, often the paragon of "masculinity," weeping openly in a televised press conference. It's hard to imagine that same scenario occurring thirty or forty years ago. If your male parent is 60 years old or older, he is more likely to be affected by different beliefs about the open display of emotions than you are. Even your female parent is liable to be less willing to communicate sad, painful, or negative emotions than you. You must fight the trap of applying your emotional value to others. Even though your parents were role models, their views on emotion may be vastly different than your own.
We did a little research to find out if there is a physical distinction by gender in crying. Our results indicated that the circumstances and frequency with which very young infants cry is NOT dictated by gender.
Little baby boys and little baby girls cry co-equally. There are clear personality differences between babies, but our study indicated that the difference was due to the unique nature of the infant rather than to its gender. In the studies done for older children up to age five, response continued to be equal. From age five onwards, distinction by gender, and the resultant attitudes and beliefs begin to magnify. The logical extension of our informal study led to the inescapable conclusion that socialization, rather than gender, was the key to later differences of attitude and expression regarding crying.
 
What purpose or value does crying have in recovery from loss?
Let us say that crying can represent a physical demonstration of emotional energy attached to a reminder of someone or something that has some significance for you. In fact, during our grief recovery seminars, when someone starts crying, we gently urge them to "talk while you cry." The emotions are contained in the words the griever speaks, not in the tears that they cry. What is fascinating to observe, is as the thoughts and feelings are spoken, the tears usually disappear, and the depth of feeling communicated seems much more powerful than mere tears.
Do not be fooled by those who cry frequently. In the strangest of all paradoxes, people can actually use crying as a way to stop feeling rather than to experience great depths of emotion. The tears become a distraction from the real pain caused by the loss.
 
If I start crying, will I be able to stop?
In our more than twenty-five years of helping grieving people, we have never seen anyone who has been unable to stop crying.
 
How can I recover from the pain of loss?
The key to recovery from the incredible pain caused by death, divorce, and all other losses, is contained in a simple statement: Each of us is unique and each of our relationships is unique. Therefore, we must discover and complete what is emotionally unfinished for us in all of our relationships. Our personal belief systems about the display of emotions are also unique and individual. We may not even have a conscious awareness of what our own beliefs are. An alert to anyone young or old: "Don't let anyone else dictate what is emotionally correct for you- not even your children - or your parents. Only you get to determine what is correct for you."
If you need some help in discovering or determining what might help you deal with a broken heart caused by death, divorce or other losses, visit your local bookstore or library and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. It contains the kind of information that will lead you to your personal truth, which in turn will help you complete the pain in your heart.
We are not in any way against crying; in fact we probably have more cases of tissue than any organization in the world. Tissues are the one tool of our trade. What we are always focused on is recovery from emotional pain. We are for fond memories not turning painful. We are for having a life full of meaning and value even though a loss or losses may have made your life massively different than you had hoped or dreamed.

Our Featured Expert, Russell Friedman, is an international authority on grief. Since 1987, he has been the Executive Director of the Grief Recovery Institute [http://www.grief.net] and the Grief Recovery Certification Program. Russell is the co-author of The Grief Recovery Handbook, and When Children Grieve, He has experienced grief and recovery personally with the death of his mother, two divorces, and many other losses.

The programs and literature of The Grief Recovery Institute are reflected in the sub-title of The Grief Recovery Handbook - "The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses." Rather than falling under the heading "support" groups, the Institute's teachings reflect the belief that long-term completion of the pain caused by loss is achieved by a series of small and correct choices made by the griever. The Institute, in all that it does, first creates a safe atmosphere for all willing participants, and then guides them in taking those actions that will lead to the completion of pain and leave in place their fond memories of a loved one who has died.
 

The Institute also believes that there are many valuable "support" groups which provide immediate assistance and a sense of fellowship for grievers who find themselves cast adrift in a world that is not always willing or able to listen to them as they flail around in the stormy seas of personal grief. Those groups are of tremendous value for people who feel as if others do not understand what they are going through, and provide a safe environment for people to talk, to cry, and to learn how to go on following the losses that devastate their lives. It is always good for people to seek out friends and family members who can give them first-hand, personal recommendations and referrals to groups or organizations in which they have found comfort, support, and guidance.

If the eyes had no tears, the soul would have no rainbow.
(Native American Proverb)

 
Crying and Grief
Whatever your cause for grief, your body has natural processes that help you to deal with your sorrow. The act of crying itself releases chemicals that calm the emotions. In my experience with my support group for bereaved parents, after a member tells their story and lets their tears fall, they feel this overwhelming sense of weight lifting off their hearts. As a bereaved parent, and through my involvement with grief and support groups, I have experienced both the intense sobbing and the emotional upheaval of watching another person cry. I know that after a bout of intense crying there is often a sense of relief. In expressing our pain we give permission to our hearts to heal. By expressing these emotions, they can be dealt with in ways that facilitate healing.
 
Emotions that are kept hidden often result in illness, anger, deeper hurt or unresolved grief. Grief lowers our immune system. Added to that, is the fact that many experiencing grief do not take proper care of their health. The lack of exercise, healthy diet and rest often take their toll in illness. Frequent infections, ulcers, headaches, irritable bowel syndrome, and other ailments may be caused indirectly by the stress of unspent or misdirected emotion.
 
When you need to cry, if you are unable to be private at home, try taking a walk to a park, a lake or river, or any place of quiet and peace. Let your feelings come to the surface, Think about what is troubling you and mentally examine the pain or fear. If you get upset and cry, there is no one there to disturb your peace.
I have found writing a letter to be a good way to examine my feelings and allow unspent tears to come to the surface. You don't have to mail the letter; just the act of writing your sorrow down will facilitate healing.
 
You may also want to try the empty chair method of expressing your feelings. Sit facing an empty chair. Pretend you are talking to a person you trust, or in the case of a death, the deceased, tell them how you feel. Are you feeling angry, lost, lonely or afraid? This can be very healing for some.
 
If your grief has progressed to the point where you can not take care of yourself, you spend all day, every day crying, you lose your job, or are unable to function as before, you may want to consider counseling to help you move forward into a healing, healthy way of dealing with your loss.
 
In summary, crying is a normal part of grieving. It is beneficial to the body by releasing chemicals that assist in dispelling anxiety. Prolonged crying that interferes with activities of daily living or causes problems should be evaluated by a professional for possible help in coping with loss.
 
Brenda Penepent, Director,
Healing Hearts for Bereaved Parents, Ark. Chapter
 

Poetry of the week
IF TEARS...
If tears could fill an ocean
Or change the color of the sea
I know I'd be responsible
Since the day that you left me
If tears could make me happy
And take the pain away
I know I'd be responsible
And perhaps find fame
If tears could bring you back
And make my life whole again
I know I'd be responsible
I'd never let you go again
If tears could heal a broken heart
And take this old one of mine
I know I'd be responsible
For the love I've had all this time
If God would have wiped my tears
And let me know many years ago
That this pain would last forever
I wish then He could have told
If tears can make me better
And make me see another day
One filled with sense and worth
I might accept what happens today
If tears could make me love you more
If that were really true
I'd have all the love in the world
And gladly give it back to you
Tears are healing I'm told
And sometimes I think that's true
But my child, I'll never shed a tear
That I don't think of you
By Sharon Bryant
Copyright 2002
Used with permission.

 
Resources:
Dr. McCoy's Self-Help Tools - Offers self-help books, CDs, workbooks, and electronic courses designed to help users conquer anxiety, anger, social phobia, and overeating.
http://www.Counseling.com/DrMcCoy
More Helpful Links:
For information on Military Funeral Honors: http://www.dying.about.com/cs/modernculture/a/aa032802a.htm
Grief Journaling:
http://www.griefjournal.com
 
For help with other types of grief:
Counseling for Loss and Life Changes Website
http://www.counselingforloss.com
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This newsletter is published by National Grief Support Services
Karen Russell, President and Founder, Grief Matters Executive Editor
Brenda Penepent, Grief Matters Managing Editor
www.griefsupportservices.org, GriefMatters@GriefSupportServices.org

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Copyright © National Grief Support Services 2003
National Grief Support Services Inc. was founded as a nonprofit, charitable organization in 1994, for anyone dealing with grief from any cause. The organization's dual purpose focuses not only on those who are experiencing loss, but the professionals who help. Serving as an umbrella organization for the grief community, our comprehensive web-based service, www.GriefSupportServices.org, delivers Comprehensive Grief Support Services, Resources & Publications; Online Memorials, Tributes & Life Stories; Telephone/Online Support Groups & Classes; Healing Music; Legacy of the Heart, A Service to Comfort Those Who Are Someday Left Behind; Free Book Grief Passages; Free e-zine, Grief Matters; comfort and hope in one place, accessible at any time from any location.