Grief
Matters |
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A Weekly Publication of National Grief Support Services, GriefSupportServices.org | |||
Crying
For Help…. |
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An
Interview with Russell Friedman of the Grief Recovery Institute
Many of you may have questions about crying. We've asked one of the experts at The Grief Recovery Institute to answer some of the most common questions asked about crying. We hope this information will give you a greater understanding of the role of crying in grief. |
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Karen Russell,
MA, Executive Director National Grief Support Services |
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How much crying is enough? | |||
Have
you ever known anyone who cries all the time, but never seems to change
or grow? Have you ever known anyone who uses crying as a manipulation
to get something? There is a high probability you will answer yes to both
questions. Both of these questions are designed to explain that crying
does not necessarily lead to completion of the pain caused by death, divorce
or any other losses. It is often thought that there is a correlation between
grief and crying. Many people express their pain and sadness through body
language, tone and other factors. Not crying doesn't mean not grieving.
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Does crying make us feel better? | |||
At best,
crying acts as a short term energy relieving action, and relieves, temporarily,
some emotional energy generated by the loss. We know of people who have
been crying over the same loss, daily, for years and years. We know that
the crying has not helped them complete what is emotionally incomplete
in their relationship with their loved one who died, or the person from
whom they are divorced. |
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We are
aware of the research that indicates tears of sadness differ in chemical
makeup from tears of joy. We are also aware that tears perform the valuable
function of washing the eyes. We have even heard professional allude to
published studies that indicate that women cry, on average, five times
more often than men. However, in all of our research, we have not found
a single study that supports a physiological basis for that ratio. |
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Why don't men cry more in public? | |||
As our
society has evolved, we have seen a quantum shift in the public display
of emotion. In today's world, it is not at all unlikely to see a retiring
professional athlete, often the paragon of "masculinity," weeping
openly in a televised press conference. It's hard to imagine that same
scenario occurring thirty or forty years ago. If your male parent is 60
years old or older, he is more likely to be affected by different beliefs
about the open display of emotions than you are. Even your female parent
is liable to be less willing to communicate sad, painful, or negative
emotions than you. You must fight the trap of applying your emotional
value to others. Even though your parents were role models, their views
on emotion may be vastly different than your own. |
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We did
a little research to find out if there is a physical distinction by gender
in crying. Our results indicated that the circumstances and frequency
with which very young infants cry is NOT dictated by gender. |
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Little
baby boys and little baby girls cry co-equally. There are clear personality
differences between babies, but our study indicated that the difference
was due to the unique nature of the infant rather than to its gender.
In the studies done for older children up to age five, response continued
to be equal. From age five onwards, distinction by gender, and the resultant
attitudes and beliefs begin to magnify. The logical extension of our informal
study led to the inescapable conclusion that socialization, rather than
gender, was the key to later differences of attitude and expression regarding
crying. |
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What purpose or value does crying have in recovery from loss? | |||
Let us
say that crying can represent a physical demonstration of emotional energy
attached to a reminder of someone or something that has some significance
for you. In fact, during our grief recovery seminars, when someone starts
crying, we gently urge them to "talk while you cry." The emotions
are contained in the words the griever speaks, not in the tears that they
cry. What is fascinating to observe, is as the thoughts and feelings are
spoken, the tears usually disappear, and the depth of feeling communicated
seems much more powerful than mere tears. |
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Do not
be fooled by those who cry frequently. In the strangest of all paradoxes,
people can actually use crying as a way to stop feeling rather than to
experience great depths of emotion. The tears become a distraction from
the real pain caused by the loss. |
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If I start crying, will I be able to stop? | |||
In our
more than twenty-five years of helping grieving people, we have never
seen anyone who has been unable to stop crying. |
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How can I recover from the pain of loss? | |||
The key
to recovery from the incredible pain caused by death, divorce, and all
other losses, is contained in a simple statement: Each of us is unique
and each of our relationships is unique. Therefore, we must discover and
complete what is emotionally unfinished for us in all of our relationships.
Our personal belief systems about the display of emotions are also unique
and individual. We may not even have a conscious awareness of what our
own beliefs are. An alert to anyone young or old: "Don't let anyone
else dictate what is emotionally correct for you- not even your children
- or your parents. Only you get to determine what is correct for you." |
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If you
need some help in discovering or determining what might help you deal
with a broken heart caused by death, divorce or other losses, visit your
local bookstore or library and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook.
It contains the kind of information that will lead you to your personal
truth, which in turn will help you complete the pain in your heart. |
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We are
not in any way against crying; in fact we probably have more cases of
tissue than any organization in the world. Tissues are the one tool of
our trade. What we are always focused on is recovery from emotional pain.
We are for fond memories not turning painful. We are for having a life
full of meaning and value even though a loss or losses may have made your
life massively different than you had hoped or dreamed. |
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Our Featured
Expert, Russell Friedman, is an international authority on grief. Since
1987, he has been the Executive Director of the Grief Recovery Institute
[http://www.grief.net] and the Grief Recovery Certification Program. Russell
is the co-author of The Grief Recovery Handbook, and When Children Grieve,
He has experienced grief and recovery personally with the death of his
mother, two divorces, and many other losses. |
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The programs
and literature of The Grief Recovery Institute are reflected in the sub-title
of The Grief Recovery Handbook - "The Action Program for Moving Beyond
Death, Divorce, and Other Losses." Rather than falling under the
heading "support" groups, the Institute's teachings reflect
the belief that long-term completion of the pain caused by loss is achieved
by a series of small and correct choices made by the griever. The Institute,
in all that it does, first creates a safe atmosphere for all willing participants,
and then guides them in taking those actions that will lead to the completion
of pain and leave in place their fond memories of a loved one who has
died. |
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The Institute
also believes that there are many valuable "support" groups
which provide immediate assistance and a sense of fellowship for grievers
who find themselves cast adrift in a world that is not always willing
or able to listen to them as they flail around in the stormy seas of personal
grief. Those groups are of tremendous value for people who feel as if
others do not understand what they are going through, and provide a safe
environment for people to talk, to cry, and to learn how to go on following
the losses that devastate their lives. It is always good for people to
seek out friends and family members who can give them first-hand, personal
recommendations and referrals to groups or organizations in which they
have found comfort, support, and guidance. |
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If
the eyes had no tears, the soul would have no rainbow. (Native American Proverb) |
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Crying and
Grief |
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Whatever
your cause for grief, your body has natural processes that help you to
deal with your sorrow. The act of crying itself releases chemicals that
calm the emotions. In my experience with my support group for bereaved
parents, after a member tells their story and lets their tears fall, they
feel this overwhelming sense of weight lifting off their hearts. As a
bereaved parent, and through my involvement with grief and support groups,
I have experienced both the intense sobbing and the emotional upheaval
of watching another person cry. I know that after a bout of intense crying
there is often a sense of relief. In expressing our pain we give permission
to our hearts to heal. By expressing these emotions, they can be dealt
with in ways that facilitate healing. |
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Emotions
that are kept hidden often result in illness, anger, deeper hurt or unresolved
grief. Grief lowers our immune system. Added to that, is the fact that
many experiencing grief do not take proper care of their health. The lack
of exercise, healthy diet and rest often take their toll in illness. Frequent
infections, ulcers, headaches, irritable bowel syndrome, and other ailments
may be caused indirectly by the stress of unspent or misdirected emotion. |
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When
you need to cry, if you are unable to be private at home, try taking a
walk to a park, a lake or river, or any place of quiet and peace. Let
your feelings come to the surface, Think about what is troubling you and
mentally examine the pain or fear. If you get upset and cry, there is
no one there to disturb your peace. I have found writing a letter to be a good way to examine my feelings and allow unspent tears to come to the surface. You don't have to mail the letter; just the act of writing your sorrow down will facilitate healing. |
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You may
also want to try the empty chair method of expressing your feelings. Sit
facing an empty chair. Pretend you are talking to a person you trust,
or in the case of a death, the deceased, tell them how you feel. Are you
feeling angry, lost, lonely or afraid? This can be very healing for some.
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If your
grief has progressed to the point where you can not take care of yourself,
you spend all day, every day crying, you lose your job, or are unable
to function as before, you may want to consider counseling to help you
move forward into a healing, healthy way of dealing with your loss. |
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In summary,
crying is a normal part of grieving. It is beneficial to the body by releasing
chemicals that assist in dispelling anxiety. Prolonged crying that interferes
with activities of daily living or causes problems should be evaluated
by a professional for possible help in coping with loss. |
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Brenda Penepent, Director,
Healing Hearts for Bereaved Parents, Ark. Chapter |
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Poetry
of the week |
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IF
TEARS... |
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If tears
could fill an ocean Or change the color of the sea I know I'd be responsible Since the day that you left me |
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If tears
could make me happy And take the pain away I know I'd be responsible And perhaps find fame |
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If tears
could bring you back And make my life whole again I know I'd be responsible I'd never let you go again |
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If tears
could heal a broken heart And take this old one of mine I know I'd be responsible For the love I've had all this time |
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If God
would have wiped my tears And let me know many years ago That this pain would last forever I wish then He could have told |
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If tears
can make me better And make me see another day One filled with sense and worth I might accept what happens today |
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If tears
could make me love you more If that were really true I'd have all the love in the world And gladly give it back to you |
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Tears
are healing I'm told And sometimes I think that's true But my child, I'll never shed a tear That I don't think of you |
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By
Sharon Bryant Copyright 2002 Used with permission. |
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Resources: Dr. McCoy's Self-Help Tools - Offers self-help books, CDs, workbooks, and electronic courses designed to help users conquer anxiety, anger, social phobia, and overeating. http://www.Counseling.com/DrMcCoy |
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More Helpful Links:
For information on Military Funeral Honors: http://www.dying.about.com/cs/modernculture/a/aa032802a.htm |
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Grief Journaling: http://www.griefjournal.com |
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For help with other
types of grief: Counseling for Loss and Life Changes Website http://www.counselingforloss.com |
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In no case will we share e-mail addresses. For the full text of our Privacy Policy, Please see: www.griefsupportservices.org/privacystatement.htm |
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by National Grief Support Services |
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Copyright © National Grief Support Services 2003 | |||
National
Grief Support Services Inc. was founded as a nonprofit, charitable organization
in 1994, for anyone dealing with grief from any cause. The organization's
dual purpose focuses not only on those who are experiencing loss, but
the professionals who help. Serving as an umbrella organization for the
grief community, our comprehensive web-based service, www.GriefSupportServices.org,
delivers Comprehensive Grief Support Services, Resources & Publications;
Online Memorials, Tributes & Life Stories; Telephone/Online Support
Groups & Classes; Healing Music; Legacy of the Heart, A Service to
Comfort Those Who Are Someday Left Behind; Free Book Grief Passages; Free
e-zine, Grief Matters; comfort and hope in one place, accessible at any
time from any location. |
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