August 30, 2003 Personal edition  Got Grief? Get Help! Click Here Text Version
Crying for Help....
Does Crying Benefit During Grief?
An Interview with Russell Friedman of the
Grief Recovery Institute
Many of you may have questions about crying. We’ve asked one of the experts at The Grief Recovery Institute to answer some of the most common questions asked about crying. We hope this information will give you a greater understanding of the role of crying in grief.
Karen Russell, MA, Executive Director
National Grief Support Services
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Featured Expert
RUSSELL FRIEDMAN is an international authority on grief. Since 1987, he has been the Executive Director of the Grief Recovery Institute, http://www.grief.net, and the Grief Recovery Certification Program. Russell is the co-author of The Grief Recovery Handbook, and When Children Grieve, He has experienced grief and recovery personally with the death of his mother, two divorces, and many other losses.
We invite you to read some different but parallel ideas on the topic of Crying and Grief by our colleague, Brenda Penepent, LPN
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What purpose or value does crying have in recovery from loss?
Let us say that crying can represent a physical demonstration of emotional energy attached to a reminder of someone or something that has some significance for you. In fact, during our grief recovery seminars, when someone starts crying, we gently urge them to “talk while you cry.” The emotions are contained in the words the griever speaks, not in the tears that they cry. What is fascinating to observe, is as the thoughts and feelings are spoken, the tears usually disappear, and the depth of feeling communicated seems much more powerful than mere tears.

Do not be fooled by those who cry frequently. In the strangest of all paradoxes, people can actually use crying as a way to stop feeling rather than to experience great depths of emotion. The tears become a distraction from the real pain caused by the loss.
If I start crying, will I be able to stop?
In our more than twenty-five years of helping grieving people, we have never seen anyone who has been unable to stop crying.
How can I recover from the pain of loss?
The key to recovery from the incredible pain caused by death, divorce, and all other losses, is contained in a simple statement: Each of us is unique and each of our relationships is unique. Therefore, we must discover and complete what is emotionally unfinished for us in all of our relationships. Our personal belief systems about the display of emotions are also unique and individual. We may not even have a conscious awareness of what our own beliefs are. An alert to anyone young or old: “Don't let anyone else dictate what is emotionally correct for you- not even your children – or your parents. Only you get to determine what is correct for you.”
If you need some help in discovering or determining what might help you deal with a broken heart caused by death, divorce or other losses, visit your local bookstore or library and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. It contains the kind of information that will lead you to your personal truth, which in turn will help you complete the pain in your heart.
We are not in any way against crying; in fact we probably have more cases of tissue than any organization in the world. Tissues are the one tool of our trade. What we are always focused on is recovery from emotional pain. We are for fond memories not turning painful. We are for having a life full of meaning and value even though a loss or losses may have made your life massively different than you had hoped or dreamed.
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Publication Disclaimer
National Grief Support Services Inc. strives to present numerous resources to assist people dealing with grief from any cause. Opinions, philosophical approaches and suggestions of authors presented in Grief Matters are their own and do not represent or imply an endorsement by National Grief Support Services or GriefSupportServices.org. We recognize that there are numerous perspectives on grief topics, and throughout our services we attempt to help people access a wide range of them. All information is presented in summary form only. It should not be considered complete or used in place of professional consultation.
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Copyright © National Grief Support Services 2004 
National Grief Support Services Inc. was founded as a nonprofit, charitable organization in 1994, for anyone dealing with grief from any cause. The organization’s dual purpose focuses not only on those who are experiencing loss, but the professionals who help. Serving as an umbrella organization for the grief community, our comprehensive web-based service, www.GriefSupportServices.org, delivers a wide range of Grief Support Services, Resources & Publications; Online Memorials, Tributes & Life Stories; Telephone/Online Support Groups & Classes; Healing Music; Legacy of the Heart, A Service to Comfort Those Who Are Someday Left Behind; a free book, Grief Passages, a free e-magazine, Grief Matters; and comfort and hope – all in one place, accessible at any time from any location.
This newsletter is published by National Grief Support Services, Inc.
Karen Russell, MA, President and Founder, Grief Matters Executive Editor
Bob Datz, Grief Matters Managing Editor Brenda Penepent, Contributing Editor
www.GriefSupportServices.org GriefMatters@GriefSupportServices.org